Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
