One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
