So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
