Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Randomize
