ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
