Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
