if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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