Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
