Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
