I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
In other news, I just burned my penis
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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