Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
She needs sedatives and a leash
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Randomize
