I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I deserve this hangover.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
