is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
