I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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