shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
