I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
