Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
