So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
