Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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