im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
