im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
