Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
a search helicopter?!
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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