i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
