I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
