i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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