Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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