At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Randomize
