We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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