Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
