Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
