Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
