And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
