1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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