I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
That accounts for only three of the penises
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
you never un-have a 4some
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
