Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
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