Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Randomize
