There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
