dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Randomize
