Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
