He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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