When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
