you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
