it was like his penis was on wheels.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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