It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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