I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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