every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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