she smelled like a LAN party
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
