Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
