so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
