There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Are we still banned from the library?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
