I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
