i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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